*Explore the notion (which my brain is currently at odds with, stubbornly refusing to give it much thought) that I am, for whatever reasons, refusing myself to feel the emotions that a man feels. T talks about being present in one’s body, not just existing in the mind. I’m curious if my tendency to gravitate toward women, and my lack of male role models has, over the years, detached me from, and made me feel ashamed of, some of the emotions that are more likely to occur being a man.
Like, when I get mad at work, my anger is getting sharper. C told me at the bar the other night that I’m one of the angriest people he knows, and coming from C (who’s pretty angry, himself) that struck a chord in me. The violent fantasies, and physical anger, when I think about it, could be just natural instinct that I am suppressing, for I am ashamed of being a man.
Huh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. Women have always been on a bit of a pedestal for me. I generally enjoy their company better. In the last few years, I’ve gone rather 180, and now pretty much all of my friends are men. I’m comfortable with them, and am appreciating the different sort of friendship that occurs with men, but I do miss having more friends who are women.
I’m avoiding the real topic: why would I be ashamed to be a man? Theories: I don’t like strong presences, which a lot of men tend have. I find overly forward people irritating, and distressing. I have not had many, if any, examples of someone who I’ve found respectably “manly” in my life. My dad is a great guy, but not exactly very manly. He had/has issues with a temper, too. I wonder if we’re dealing with the same thing, in a way.
When did I put women on a pedestal? Probably at a pretty early age. My mom is a stronger presence. She’s more the business end of the parent equation, and my dad is the easy going one. I feared her more. That, combined with what happened when puberty rolled around, only firmed up my views. That women should be respected, feared, and now admired, and coveted. Plus, I’ve also always envied women, in a way. I don’t want to BE a woman, but I have long had the notion that women are just better than men. Smarter, shrewder, more fun to talk to, and much better looking.
I’ve noticed that many of my sexual fantasies (i.e. shit I jerk off to) has less to do with being pleased, and more to do with pleasing, much like my actual tendencies during sex. Like, it’s more about the woman, than it is about me.
So, what about me? How do I get back in touch with what it is to feel like a man, and also allow myself to feel okay for feeling certain ways. My initial instinct was to go right to the base of what men are known for: fighting. Take a martial arts course of some kind. Find a controlled capacity for violence. I’ve always been tempted to do this, but have never really felt a desire to. Maybe that’s because I’m ashamed of many of the physical urges I have. I was about to write that maybe it’s because I don’t think fighting is a good thing to do. I mean, I don’t think it is, but I do think it’s something I should now HOW to do. That’s one of the roles that, more traditionally, has been handled by men: to protect. I honestly don’t know what I’m made of when it comes to being able to protect myself, or anyone I love. I’ve just never had to.
Though that might be a bit extreme. Maybe there are other, smaller ways to start, at least. Not just jump right in the ring, balls swinging.
Well, there’s some shit to talk about FERSHUR.